Okay...Trying Something New....

I am now reading Dr. Phil's book, Self Matters. I am reading it on the chance that it will actually work, and help me sort out my life, my dreams, my wishes & pursuits. 'Cause God knows nothing else is helping. I read the beginning and he told the story of a young medical doctor who swore to himself that he would not sell out and do his line of work strictly for the money instead of for helping people. He wanted to be a doctor for the right reasons. He wanted to WANT to be a doctor. He wanted to feel fire & passion for it. Well, ten years later, he discovered that he sold out after all. For ten years he hated his life, what he was doing, where he lived. For ten years. And it hit me...This story was like me. I've not worked in about 2 1/2 years, I had to drop out of college due to health reasons, I stay at home day after day. Those days turn to weeks, weeks to years, and so on and so forth. I hate my life. I hate that my health has put me in a place that I never dreamed I would be. And I don't mean that in a good way either. I hate that I let people walk all over me. I let people talk down to me and cut me off, act like my opinions don't matter. I'm sick of it. I let them treat me that way for fear of a knock-down & drag out. I'm a grown friggin' woman! And I am treated like a child. Like I have no sense. I may not have ever lived on my own, but that doesn't make me dumb. It doesn't mean that I'm immature. I just have a few problems that many other people don't have. Problems I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It's my own personal hell. It's eating away at me. It's taken away my zest for life. I used to be such a go-getter.

Not anymore.

I sit at home, clean house, take care of my dog & cat, and sit at the computer (assuming I haven't worn myself out and go take a nap), writing fan-fics. Fan-fiction...sadly, it's become the only thing that makes me happy. You know why? Because I can leave my life behind. I can leave everything that is plaguing me behind. I can become anyone. I can become the beautiful, flawless and graceful heroines I write into my stories. And it feels good. I can be innocent and breathtaking, or I can be devilishly sexy. Ya know what's funny? I will say this, since it's my blog. I'm not conceited (believe me, I'm not), but I was confident at one time. Back when I was in my late teens and early twenties...I WAS sexy. I was pretty and I got attention from guys, I went on dates, etc. I was happy and I didn't even know it. I wish I knew then what I know now. Life has a way of creeping up on you and attacking. Before you know it, five years has passed and you wonder how in the hell (yes I cursed, I realize that...sorry) your life turned out the way it has.

Anyway, the doctor in Dr. PHil's story? Yeah, it was Dr. Phil himself. He finally quit being an M.D. and became a PH.D. He's doing what he loves. that's what his book is about. Finding your authentic self, and learning to live life the way you wanted to.

Here's hoping the book works, because right now, I'm merely existing.